Listening is a powerful tool.
When I was nine years old, my world was turned upside down when I found out my parents were divorcing.
It was scary and unexpected.
What ensued was chaos for my inexperienced fragile little mind.
I was changing schools, making new friends, moving from house to house, dealing with a new step-dad, and watching my father date other women. Everything I thought I knew about my life was no longer. I started to struggle in school. I was torn with sadness, anger, and anxiety. And I was becoming a bit more obsessive and neurotic, protecting anything of “mine” that I could.
I was living a life filled with negative and obsessive thoughts that I had never experienced.
Back in those days, I didn’t fully understand everything I was going through mentally or emotionally. But the big picture became apparent after a while; I needed someone to talk to, someone to listen to me. Not judge, condemn, nor try to fix me.
THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING
That’s when my mom began bringing me to a therapist.
I hadn’t the faintest clue as to what a psychologist was back in those days, plus I was a bit timid, not exactly sure of how to talk about how I was feeling. But this was the beginning of an important learning curve for me – one that taught me the vital importance of listening.
It seems so simple, right?
Just let the other person get out whatever they need to get out – how hard is that?
Yet, it took me years to realize the significance of that sentiment.
During my high school days, I struggled with obsessive and sometimes darker, suicidal thoughts. I would often lean on my friends and family to get the uglier emotions off my chest. The one thing I appreciated was how they’d always listen. At the time, I didn’t understand that all I needed was for someone to hear me out; someone to listen to that scared little boy still inside of me – the one who thought he had to hide his real thoughts and feelings.
All I wanted was to be seen, recognized.
Thanks to the plethora of good people I have close to me, I was able to express that darker side and get it off my chest. Eventually, I was able to turn many of those dark thoughts into lighter, happier, positive filled ones. Having those people around me who listened was a big reason why.
Because of all of these experiences, I’ve learned to become a more attentive and empathic listener.
HOW DO YOU BECOME A GOOD LISTENER?
I try to be as genuine as possible when hearing someone else out.
Letting people get whatever is bothering them off of their chest, no matter how sad, angry, or horrific, seems to be part of the secret recipe of being a good listener.
You must be engaged, and present.
As nice as it feels for the person who is venting, it can feel equally as good for the listener.
I genuinely enjoy being a good listener now.
It’s become a part of who I am and part of who I want to continue to be. Plus, I get to connect with people on a much deeper level, something I now crave in my personal and professional relationships.
There are a few tricks to it, though.
It’s not just listening.
You have to actually take in what the other person is saying. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but you should give that person the benefit of your best effort to try and process what they are saying with an open mind and heart. If you can do that – you have succeeded. The person will be able to get out whatever is troubling them, and you will be able to learn more about someone else’s thoughts and emotions.
It doesn’t mean you have to “cure” their ills or solve all of their problems.
Most people simply want to be heard.
You can be their relief, their fallback.
Here are a few quick tips for being an empathetic listener:
- Do not judge, criticize, or condemn
- Fully take in what the other person is saying
- Try to put yourself in their shoes and empathize when possible
- Ask questions, show curiosity
- Let them steer the conversation
IN REVIEW
Some of the wisest people I’ve met in my life have been the best listeners.
This usually goes without fail.
And there’s a reason most of these people are as wise as they are. They listen, which leads to critical thinking. Critical thinking leads to evaluating your own life, beliefs, and ideas. And that leads to learning. Eventually, you begin to understand people that you didn’t before, and you start to shed your old judgmental skin for newer, more curious skin.
Listening to other people does not mean you take on all of their beliefs, or that you trade in your moral compass for someone else’s, quite the contrary. You simply have a better understanding of people, their thoughts, and their lives.
Listening is the seed in which wisdom blossoms.
Being an empathetic listener may be one of the quintessential milestones of personal development.
Try it today; allow yourself to experience another person’s reality. Listening may not always be easy, but if you can lend a struggling mind your open-minded ear, you will be doing more for them than you could ever imagine. You might just be changing their life.
If you would like a free mindset coaching consultation – contact me at brad@upplifter.com!
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