Anxiety and I have a love-hate relationship of sorts.
Well, it’s mostly hate, but a sliver of love comes from learning from my mistakes with anxiety.
I can remember the stomach aches like they were yesterday. I was about ten years old and was playing basketball for my grade school team. Growing up in my younger days, sports was always a substantial part of my life, so much so that I now run a podcast (The Vintage Ballers Podcast) interviewing former NBA players and professional athletes. Basketball, as well as other sports, were somewhat of my saving grace as a kid.
Going through a messy divorce with my parents was not the most comfortable situation to navigate, and sports gave me an outlet. So as I began practicing with my grade school team, our coach was a hard-nosed guy who would yell and scream when things didn’t go well. My fragile, already broken psyche and self-esteem could not handle that type of emotion, especially from an adult.
I was already dealing with plenty of powerful emotions from both of my parents, usually directed at each other but inadvertently affecting me. So before every practice, I would shut down and become nauseous. I was physically sick. Did I want to win? Of course, I did! Did I want to play well? Yes. But nothing was worth my mental well-being.
But at that time, I wasn’t old enough to stand up for myself or my teammates. So I went along with it all just like I did with my parent’s divorce. I had no choice in some ways but to “grow up” and “learn the tough life lessons.”
The only problem is those lessons cost me dearly.
HIGH SCHOOL AND HEIGHTENED ANXIETY
By the time I reached high school, my anxiety levels were at an all-time high.
Though my childhood was filled with love, fun, and laughter, it was also a roller coaster ride. I was also going through some of the most challenging and treacherous experiences of my life. And because of my age, I wasn’t able to properly navigate those murky waters. Those tough times made me mature pretty quickly, and in some ways, made me street smart and more adept at handling change – though not until much later in my life.
During high school, I was still trying to find my way in a new city. It had been my third different school and city. I had already experienced two divorces, emotional trauma, mental and physical bullying, and too much change for a youngster to handle. My coping mechanism became excessive and obsessive worrying. In any situation where there was a significant unknown, I would automatically resort to catastrophizing.
I cannot explain the pure torcher you experience when every aspect of your life becomes rich in fear, worry, and anxiety.
It got so bad that I had considered taking my own life. When I look back at the younger version of me, this seems incomprehensible considering I was a well-liked and much-loved kid. I had a great family, many friends, and a roof over my head, yet mentally and emotionally, my health had taken a toll on me.
Somehow I managed to get through it all while still having a fun and enjoyable high school experience.
But the road ahead was still bumpy.
CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’
As I was entering my late twenties, I began feeling like I was missing something in my life. At that point, I had done everything according to what other people thought was right for my life; getting my college degree, staying local, working in a safe, predictable career, and being reasonably conservative in my approach to chasing dreams. After a while, I realized that I wasn’t true to myself and the life I wanted to live.
So I did a lot of soul-searching and eventually decided to move to California to chase my dream of becoming a comedy writer. It all made sense in my head. I’ll move to LA, make a few connections, and boom – I’ll become the next Larry David!
Easy, right?
(Sound the WRONG buzzer).
THE MOVE
I moved to Los Angeles and quickly discovered how difficult the journey of making it in Hollywood was, especially with no real plan of attack. My cousin let me crash with him for a few months in Venice before moving out into a small, dingy, smelly studio apartment in Culver City. I’ll never forget my first night there – I was miserable. So miserable that I couldn’t even muster the energy to get up, shower, and meet my friend and her other friends out at a local bar. I stayed in and laid on my couch for hours.
Fast forward seven months later – I had just gotten let go from my job. I was relieved in some ways because I was unhappy there and didn’t fit with what they needed at the time. Interestingly enough, I’m still friends with that company’s owners and am forever grateful for them allowing me to work there since it got me out to LA. But now I was jobless in one of the most expensive cities in the world.
My anxiety and stress levels during my year in LA went through the roof.
I was always anxious, nervous, obsessive, and depressed. And to make matters worse, I ate like crap, didn’t exercise as much, and didn’t take my mental health as seriously. The downward spiral was once again at my doorstep, much like parts of my middle school, high school, and college years.
Where do I turn now?
MY THIRTIES AND SOUL SEARCHING
As soon as I hit my thirties, I began doing a lot of soul-searching.
I was asking myself all the questions I didn’t ask myself in my twenties. At the time, my anxiety was still fluctuating, and I hadn’t found a way to manage it effectively. Now, spending more and more time alone, secluding myself with my thoughts, I was bombarded with the same intrusive and obsessive negative thoughts that I endured as a child.
Everything came crashing down on me a few summers later.
It was the summer, and I had fallen into a deep depression over a failed potential relationship. That summer was the worst experience of my entire life, bar none. Getting out of bed was a primary task for me; going out with friends was miserable; being alone was even worse. It got so bad that some of my closest friends and family members began thinking I may do something drastic. Luckily, I started to do the hard work of healing myself instead.
Below I explain seven foundational pieces I have put into place for those times I struggle with anxiety. Be sure to apply the ones that work best for you, and don’t forget that managing and reducing stress is a long-game, and it takes daily practice.
7 THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU’RE STRUGGLING WITH ANXIETY
1. GET BEHIND YOUR THOUGHTS
Suffering with anxiety means getting caught up in your most negative, obsessive, and angst-ridden thoughts over and over again. The more you engage with these thoughts, the worse it gets. After all, anxiety begets anxiety. So one of the keys to managing anxiety is to get behind our thoughts.
What do I mean?
Getting behind your thoughts means becoming the awareness that observes the thought, not the thought itself. Think of your awareness as the sky and your thoughts as the weather. The weather changes, but the sky remains the same.
Once you master the art of getting behind your thoughts, you will begin to gain self-control. You will no longer get caught up in thoughts and corresponding emotions that don’t serve your highest good.
2. PRACTICE DEEP BREATHING TECHNIQUES
Deep breathing is always available to us, so why not use it to combat anxiety?
Deep breathing is a critical component of the relaxation response since it directly affects calming the nervous system down. It’s one of the best ways to lower stress in the body.
When you practice deep breathing, it sends a message to your brain, telling it to calm down and relax. The brain then sends the same message to your body, telling it to calm down and relax. Stress responses such as increased heart rate, fast breathing, and high blood pressure all decrease as you practice deep breathing.
Here are three deep breathing techniques that you can implement.
3. DO NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN THE EMOTIONS
Anxiety starts with a thought but often transitions into a strong emotional response. The challenging aspect of effectively managing anxiety is not getting caught up in the emotion attached to the thought.
For example:
Let’s say you and your significant other get into a nasty argument over a specific topic. Then, for days and weeks afterward, anytime that topic comes up in your head, you begin to obsess and attach an angry emotional response to it. Over time, if not dealt with properly, this anger can turn into rage. Now, every time that thought comes up, you are now full of rage.
By breaking away from that emotion and not letting it consume you, the anxiety will eventually fizzle out because you are not pouring gasoline on the fire; you are instead running water on it.
Much like thought itself, feel the emotion and acknowledge it, but then let it go.
4. USE THE 90-SECOND RULE
What is the 90-second rule?
This is a term coined by Harvard brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor. She discovered that when a person has an emotional reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process. Any emotional response beyond that 90-seconds is the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.
What does this mean?
According to Taylor’s observation, from a neurological standpoint, we can choose moment by moment how we want to be in our environment.
Using the 90-second rule, we can fully acknowledge and accept the anxiety and emotions we are experiencing. Yet, by allowing the 90 seconds to pass and focusing on something else, we give the anxiety no ammunition.
In essence, we are letting the anxiety disappear on its own.
5. KEEP A THOUGHT RECORD
Thought Records are used to challenge negative or fear-based thinking. Anxiety can produce a heavy dose of negative thoughts that seem to repeat over and over. These negative thoughts directly affect our moods; they tend to reaffirm some negative beliefs, propel a fear, or stir up more anxiety.
A thought record starts with writing down a thought or situation that triggers us. The first thing you do is write the thought or concern down on a piece of paper. Then, you run it through a thought record, a series of questions geared towards deconstructing the thought and getting to the root by challenging the thought with logic.
You start by rating how strong the emotion is associated with the thought feels and then answer questions that either prove or disprove the thought’s core belief. Then, you rank the emotion attached to the thought to see if there has been any mood improvement.
6. REMEMBER THE WORD HALT
HALT is an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
It’s used in drug-rehabilitation programs to help those struggling with addiction to remember that they will be more prone to using whenever they are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
But this same acronym can also apply to managing anxiety.
Whenever you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, you will increase the odds of falling into a bout of anxiety. Try remembering HALT as a way to avert that anxiety. If you find yourself experiencing one or more of those four words, then take action to remedy the situation. By taking action, you will give yourself a great chance at staving off any anxiety.
7. MOVE YOUR BODY
Exercise is good for just about every area of our health.
Mental health and anxiety are no different.
By exercising, moving around, hiking, or simply taking a walk outside – you are changing the state of your being and producing more feel-good chemicals while reducing stress, including chemicals such as cortisol.
No matter what form of exercise you choose, be sure to stay as consistent as possible with that routine. The more you exercise, the better your mental health foundation will be.
IN REVIEW
Anxiety is a normal part of life for all human beings.
But when it becomes more than just an occasional experience, the feelings and associated negative thought patterns can minimize our happiness and overall health.
Taking the appropriate steps to manage your anxiety can have life-altering effects.
Not every step listed above will work the same for every person. But the more healthy choices you make daily to negate your anxiety, the better off you will be long term.
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