I was only twenty years old at the time and was working a part-time job to save enough money to pay for my next semester of college.
It was an oddly dark time in my life; I had recently broken up with a girlfriend, dropped out of college, and was spinning down a world of unhealthy partying and lurking depression. I shared most of that winter with my best friend, Bobby. We were both going through a rough patch in our lives at the time, and we leaned on each other for advice and support.
I had known Bobby since birth because our dads grew up near each other and also were best of friends. My childhood was filled with funny Bobby stories as we attended the same elementary school and had the same core group of friends. Throughout high school, we became best friends and were inseparable; we did everything together and experienced all of those teenage ups and downs together.
Bobby was one of those unmistakable personalities. He was charismatic yet quiet, charming yet edgy, intelligent both street and book and arguably the funniest person I knew. He was also a thinker – he and I would converse on a range of subjects from religion, politics, comedy, music, whether or not we believe in UFOs or ghosts, pranks, and naturally at that age, girls and partying. He and I spent most of our high school and early college days together. The bond I had with him still puts a smile on my face because it was so unique. We were like brothers.
APRIL 5TH, 2004
On that cold April night, I still remember the exact moment I heard the phone ring. The memory is forever etched into my brain. My mom answered, and I could tell by the tone of her voice and the conversation that someone had died.
She began saying, “Oh no, oh no!”
I immediately got up and walked into the kitchen where I saw my mom standing, tears running down her face, staring blankly at me.
I was hesitant to ask what had happened.
She then looked at me and told me the news that would change my life forever.
Bobby had taken his own life.
It was as if time was standing still.
Every memory, every fun moment, every laugh, and every deep conversation I shared with Bobby came flooding back to my memory bank like a runaway freight train.
We ended up at my dad’s condo, and the three of us, along with one of Bobby’s neighbors and his ex-girlfriend, sat together, stunned, and saddened. Nobody could believe the news that Bobby was gone. He was such a lively, mischievous, and deep soul, and to think he had taken his own life was heartbreaking.
I searched for answers. None came. I couldn’t understand why. All I knew was that he was no longer with us, now a part of my past instead of my future.
My life would never be the same after that night.
SUICIDE ON THE RISE
Suicide is a topic I’ve been researching and dissecting for almost two decades. I’ve lost three childhood friends to suicide, including Bobby, and also battled my suicidal thoughts in my younger days. I understand the dark and ominous thoughts and feelings that can consume a person; this state of being is one of the loneliest you will ever experience. You feel like nobody understands, nobody cares, and that you’d be better off dead. For those of you who have never experienced such a state of mind, try being more empathic and understanding for those who have. Looking in from the outside, it seems selfish and crazy, but the amount of pain most people dealing with suicidal thoughts are facing is massive and immense.
Currently, as of the end of 2019, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States, with an upwards of over 47,000 suicides in 2017 alone. In 2017, there were an estimated 1.4 million suicide attempts. Men die by suicide three times more than women, with middle-aged white males accounting for nearly 70% of all suicides in the United States.
These numbers are staggering, considering we live in the most technologically advanced era in human history, with information on any topics known readily available at our fingertips. Yet, we are more alone than ever.
Through my experience with losing Bobby, I have gained valuable lessons that have taught me a lot about life. Below are some of those lessons.
NEVER TAKE THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE FOR GRANTED
If I could scream this atop the tallest building in the world for all to hear, I would. It’s that important of a sentiment. We all, at times, tend to take others for granted. We assume, quite naively, that they will always be around.
“It won’t happen to me.”
How many times have you told yourself that?
Death, as much as the sunrise, is a part of life. We are all going to die someday. And every single person around us will succumb to the same fate. It’s a cold fact of life.
But there is always something unmistakably beautiful about knowing we are doing to die. It’s the most potent thought in getting us to truly live.
You are not promised tomorrow, nor are any of your family members or friends.
Go ahead and repeat that a few times and let it sink in.
If I can ask anything of you, it would be to take the time to tell the people around you that you love them. It can be a simple text, but don’t let the chance slip away.
Never take the people you love for granted.
REACH OUT FOR HELP WHEN YOU’RE STRUGGLING
There are many of you reading this who are either currently struggling or have struggled in the past. Everyone struggles at some point in their lives. Because of the stigma of mental health, mental illness, and suicide has attached to them, and many people feel embarrassed and ashamed to reach out for help. And you know what? The stigma around those topics is a real shame, and it does nothing but add to the already complex and ever-growing mental health crisis we face as a human species.
When I was struggling over periods in my life with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, depression, and suicidal thoughts, I would often bury my pain and my feelings within the construct of whatever I was doing at that period in my life. This is an unhealthy way of handling any deep pain or mental illness. As much as you may like to pretend that you’re not struggling, wish it away, or cover it up, the root cause of the problem and the problem itself will still be ever-present.
I always tell people, “You can put a band-aid on a broken arm, but it won’t do much to heal it.”
Finally, in the last few years, I decided to take control of my mental health, and I began making drastic changes to every area of my life. These areas included: diet, exercise, meditation, mindfulness, therapy, breathing techniques, and getting a personal trainer. I decided to go back to therapy after nearly fifteen years of not seeing anyone. Therapy has helped me get the emotional load off of my back. And it’s also given me the tools to manage my anxiety and depression. These tools take time to incorporate, and they don’t change you overnight. But over time, you begin to feel more and more yourself. You start to unleash from the chains that bind you to your emotional pain. And I can tell you, even improving by just ten or fifteen percent can make an enormous difference in your overall mental health.
If you are currently struggling with a mental illness, emotional pain, or traumatic event, please give yourself the help you so deserve. Go seek out a professional. This can be a counselor, therapist, life coach, or any mental health professional. I promise you that if you give it a chance, you will eventually begin to see positive results.
Always remember that you are worth it.
DON’T TAKE SUICIDE THREATS LIGHTLY
Often when we face a significant emotional event, trauma, or catastrophe in our lives, the first thought is, “How can I escape this pain?”
This is a natural response to substantial pain. It doesn’t make you abnormal or different. But if that response continues to the point where you think you may try to take your own life, that’s when you need to seek professional help.
I have been around many people (including myself) throughout my life who have threatened or entertained the idea of suicide. It’s a touchy, delicate subject to traverse. Many times people will make threats that never seem to materialize, so others begin to think they’ll never actually do it. This is faulty logic and proven to be a risky approach to someone who is threatening suicide. Never take any threat lightly, because you never know what the other person is thinking.
I had no idea my best friend was going to do what he did on that cold April night. I spent the entire weekend with him a day before his death. Looking back at that weekend, sure, I can find many “odd” comments or moments that were a bit suspicious, but none of it necessarily pointed to suicide. So when someone tells you they are thinking of it, do not brush it off, take it seriously, and if you feel it’s an emergency, call for help.
I mean it.
You could be saving a life.
LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGING
Judging others is one of the most natural things to do.
I find myself judging without even realizing what I am doing until I step back and evaluate my thoughts.
Judging others around us can feel good because it gives us a sense of superiority. When you look for inadequacies in others, it’s easy to prop yourself up and let your ego take over. But judgments will never change the situation or person you are judging. If anything, they make the situation worse by making others feel bad or thrusting shame onto someone already struggling.
Whenever I talk to a friend, family member, or acquaintance struggling with a mental health problem, the first thing I do is strip down my judgments. I disengage from being critical or harsh, even if I want to be or feel the need to react emotionally. Instead of reacting, try responding. Reacting takes no thought, it’s subconscious, and usually filled with emotion and judgment, whereas responding takes patience and practice, and is a more thoughtful approach. Hear the other person out; let them get out whatever thoughts and emotions they need to get out. Sometimes, just listening to someone and letting them vent will be enough to make them feel better and ease the situation a bit.
I can speak from personal experience – whenever I was able to express my real thoughts without fear of judgment, the effect was always positive for me. I felt validated. I felt heard. And most importantly, I was able to clear my mind and get the troubling thoughts out of my head.
BE FULLY PRESENT
Mindfulness, or being fully present at the moment, has been a game-changer for me and my struggles with depression and anxiety.
I noticed over the years of dealing with obsessive thoughts that I was never present in the current moment; I was either thinking about something in the past or worrying about something in the future. This is a recipe for anxiety, stress, and more obsessive thought patterns. What living unconsciously in these mostly fear-based thought patterns does is take away the present moment. It robs us of thoroughly enjoying and soaking up what life has to offer in the here and now, instead of the past or future.
There are plenty of mindfulness techniques that can help you to stay present and stay focused. Experiment and find the ones that work for you.
Back on that April weekend with Bobby, I was obsessing over multiple problems going on in my life at the time. I was bitter over a breakup with a girl I liked, I dropped out of college because of a low GPA from partying and not taking it seriously, and I was swimming in a sea of sad and anxious thoughts. I wasn’t fully present with Bobby for the entire weekend, only at certain times. Looking back, I would’ve done a better job of staying mindful and present with him. It’s a hard lesson to learn after losing someone you love.
Stay present, stay mindful, and focus on the current moment.
IN REVIEW
Losing my best friend to suicide changed my entire outlook on life at a young age. The pain of that loss still surfaces at times, but I have healed many of its wounds. I will never forget Bobby nor the impact he had on my life, especially my teen years. Our friendship, our brotherhood defined those years. We had a unique connection that doesn’t come along often.
There isn’t a day that goes by that he doesn’t cross my mind. He will forever hold a place in my heart. And although the loss will never entirely go away, the lessons I learned from his passing have made me the person I am today.
If you have any questions or would like a free mindset coaching consultation – contact me at brad@upplifter.com!
Although we strive to provide accurate general information, the information presented here is not a substitute for any kind of professional advice, and you should not rely solely on this information. Always consult a professional in the medical and health area for your particular needs and circumstances prior to making any medical or health-related decisions. For your health-related questions, please seek the advice of a licensed physician or any other qualified health care provider immediately.
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